I Swear, It’s Ok

Have you ever acted out of character on purpose? Perhaps wanted to redefine your identity?

“You are the best swearer I know!” my high school clarinet teacher used to say to me. He said this, because I’d never sworn, and had suggested that if I ever did, it would be noticed. Swearing was such a common practice in my high school, that the words my classmates would say frequently for effect, no longer had any.

Back then, I was a pretty social, but reserved kid, who liked to follow the rules and work hard. Learning for me was tricky. I excelled most in art and music. Teachers respected how hard I worked and responded to me positively, and I was given some pretty amazing opportunities for extra tutoring, invitations to attend leadership and learning workshops outside school hours and given help in my studies when needed. Teachers invested in me as a person and in hindsight, I was a pretty blessed kid. 

At school one morning, a classmate had punched me in the face and pushed me against a closed classroom door. She’d wanted a pen that belonged to me, and had gathered an audience around, who had encouraged her to start a fight.

I’d fallen to the floor, holding my hand to my cheek and cried. I felt pretty humiliated at the time, wishing I had been able to stand up for myself in some way. A teacher had seen what had happened, came over quickly, and responded. My classmate was sent home and suspended for three days. I was treated with compassion by the teacher, but copped some nasty name-calling from classmates. I didn’t feel ok about the name-calling.

That afternoon, during lunch break, I came up with a not so sensible idea. I wanted to break away from a stereotype I’d found myself in. I didn’t want to be known as a ‘goody-two-shoes, teacher’s pet combined with cry-baby’ type.

I’d decided to approach the teacher that had dealt with the incident that morning, while she was surrounded by classmates, to say a sentence I’d crafted, that included a swear word I’d never spoken out-loud before, to simply create a scene. I’d hoped I would be viewed less ‘goody-two-shoes’ by classmates and capable of being naughty to the teacher.

The teacher had no obvious reaction and walked away from me, reminding me to pick up some books from her office after lunch, that I had previously arranged to do. I felt sick to my stomach with guilt that I’d let myself down in the words I’d used.  I’d spoken so softly that the classmates around had not even heard what I’d said, so no reaction from them either.

When I came to her office to pick up the books, she invited me in to take a seat, with the promise of a lolly from her lolly jar. Once seated, she then asked me if I was ok. She treated me with kindness and offered a listening ear to whatever was going on in my mind.

I found healing in her words and actions after being reckless in mine. 

As I reflect on that day, her good counsel is still relevant to me. “It wasn’t your fault you got punched today and it’s ok to cry” she said to me. “It’s ok to feel hurt when you are hurt, and it’s right for bad behaviour to be dealt with quickly and appropriately”.  

She was a good teacher and she saw straight through my actions and words because she knew my character. I liked that she saw me and heard me, even when I wasn’t the best version of me. This is the way God sees us. We don’t need to prove our worth or strength or value to Him.

If you are struggling today, have been bullied, or spoken to unkindly, you will be ok. I encourage you to find a friend or counsellor to talk to, and most importantly, reach out to your Heavenly Father, who is always ready to be a listening ear to your needs and thoughts.

“The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18